prayer

Dear God,

I've always wanted a little girl , one I would name Jolie. Four years ago this morning You brought her into my life and I will never, ever be able to put into words just how to thank You for doing so. She is nothing short of a miracle and when I look at her I see You.

She makes me crazy sometimes and I get angry and I'm short or terse with her. I've yelled at her and I've bickered at her and I've nagged her. There are days I detest being a mother. I always love her, but I don't always love the responsibility that comes with loving her. She will go on and on about something even after I have said the final word about it, even if its something she wanted. Like I forgot in the 3 minutes that passed since talking about it. This repetitive back and forth dialogue with her all day long, everyday, sometimes drives me to the very brink of my sanity. There are days when she rarely does what I ask or does the opposite, or tests boundaries, resulting in the aforementioned anger or bickering. It's funny how often the very second my lunch is done she needs to go poop and the last thing I see before I sit down to my lunch….well, you get it. And then there's days when it's not pooping but it's the fact she's done with her lunch and ready for her nap. So mine goes cold as I manage the 5 minute task of getting her into bed. Sometime's she is so snotty or so grumpy I wish I could just drive away and leave her to work it out alone. Most days, I can't get thru many tasks without several interruptions. I'll get her all set up to eat or get something put out for her to play with and the second I sit back down she already needs something else. Most days, I feel like she deserves a much better mommy, most days I feel I'm not cut out for this gift you most graciously bestowed upon me. She's just a baby, she needs me to guide her and teach her how to grow and be a big kid and that we use love to handle the hard stuff, not anger and bickering. Alas, I certainly always forget this Lord, and I fail her and You every single day.

Then there are days like today. Her Birthday. That bitterness of how my life is so utterly flip flopped all the time completely melts away and I all I want to do is love on her and give her everything she wants. I remember how much I love to dote upon her, how much I love seeing her have fun, seeing her smile and be silly. How I want so badly for the world to be her oyster. I remember that there is nothing I wouldn't do to make her safe and happy. I look at her and I see beauty, innocence and wonder that hasn't been corrupted by the awfulness of the world around her. I see a mind collecting even the smallest details to be sifted thru and placed accordingly later. I see You. And when I see You I remember that You are always there in those hard times, keeping a steady hand on my back to keep me  from falling over, from running away, from giving up. I know that being a mom is hard, I know there will never be a time when the difficult times cease. But I'm so thankful for it because it means I have her. The daughter I've always dreamed of. No matter how hard it is to get thru just one day, even one hour sometimes, I know she is worth it. She is my reason for breathing, my reason to live. She is my angel who is my constant reminder that You are with us always, that with You I won't fail.

Thank you for my beautiful, smart, funny, healthy, amazing daughter. 

In Your Son's name,

Amen